The Sun: Friend or Foe?

Hello, dear readers.

It has been 1,022 days since my last entry.  This time it was not the Uruguayans who waylaid me, no.  Woefully, I fell into the Deep Sleep of the Thousand Days.  A lot of people think that sounds mysterious and powerful. Mystical, they say.  All I know is I sleep for almost three years.  It's just something that happens.  That's all.  I have to find ways to cope with it.  I am coping with it.  I.  Am.    Coping.

So about 3 weeks ago I woke up.  I ate for like a day.  Then back to bed for a couple days.  Sleeping is exhausting!  By about two weeks ago I was up and around.  I caught up on the news, caught up on developments in my extradition case, caught up on Archer and Game of Thrones.  Finally I was ready to go back out in the world, and see what this 2012 business is all about.

The first thing I noticed about 2012 was the Sun. It is BRIGHT.  Like a big ball of hot, bright, bright light and heat, bright and hot in the sky.  It's hard to describe it better than that.  I imagine most of you have seen it.  Just try to remember it for yourself; what what was it like when you saw it?

Bright, right?  And hot?

Yah.  That was my reaction too.

I was compelled to turn around and come back inside and ruminate on this "Sun" thing.  I hadn't really put much thought into it before, but something that bright and hot in the sky must be important.  It must mean something, right?  What is it for?

Turns out, the Sun is actually fairly important.  Yeah, it makes all that light and heat, which is cool, but it also makes all our weather, and it holds us with it's gravity, which is this kind of invisible pulling force which keeps us from flying off into space.  At first when I was thinking about this I wondered if flying off into space was all that bad a thing to have happen.  I mean, we're already in space, so how bad can space be?  But then I remembered Klingons and anal probes.  No flying off into space for me, thanks.  Don't even keep it in your mind as an option.  Thanks, Sun!

The Sun also charges your calculator, tells impoverished people when to get up and get to work, gives vitamins to your skin (without even needing pills), and even dries things out for you, like wet bathing suits, or bloody bathing suits.  Any kind of absorbent material saturated with any kind of liquid, I think.  Someone should probably test that.  Oh, well.  I'm sure science will figure it out eventually.

Anyway, the Sun can do even more awesome stuff than all that.  It can make the seasons, it invented religion and bikinis, and it even gives you a free tan, just for hangin' around with it!  And check this out: it makes everything that grows, grow.  Everything.  That one blew my mind a bit extra when i first read it.

I'm sure there's more, but even just that stuff makes the Sun seem pretty wicked, right?

Wrong.

You're wrong.  Just like I was...


The Sun has a dark side.  It likes to kill people.  Look:

Clearly the Sun hates you.  Even after we worshiped it for so long, and wrote so many happy songs about how bright and warm it is.  Even after all the love we have shown.  The Sun is a murderer.

So what is to be done?

Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be much we can do to strike back at the Sun, so far as I can tell.  We can avoid the Sun, shun it as an expression of our disapproval.  That would be one option.  We could bathe in it's comforting rays, but mockingly.  Simply taking what we need from the Sun without showing appreciation.  Making it feel valueless.  But these are, at best, token gestures.  We need a real solution to this problem.  A final solution to the Sun problem, as it were, for the good of us all.

I am establishing a fund, and a brain-trust.  Those of you who see the wisdom of us taking up a struggle to force checks and balances on the currently unlimited power of the evil sun we orbit, join me.  Those of you who want to support our cause but are fearful of leaving the shady shelter of your home can still help out!

Send donation information to capontransfix@gmail.com.

Thank you.

                                                                                    It's good to be back,

                                                                                                  Capon