Virgins Available Here! (*death required*)

So, jihad has been rather popular in recent years.  I was thinking about jihad, and in particular I was thinking about something we hear about all the time in relation to it: Virgins.

Okay, so maybe I was actually thinking about the virgins first, and how to aquire some, which then led me to thinking about Islamic holy war.  Either way, that's our topic, okay?  Don't judge me.

This man may have a boner
for the rest of time.

We always hear about the 72 virgins Muslim martyrs are supposed to be rewarded with in the afterlife for dying in righteous struggle against the enemies of Islam.  Purportedly, when Muhammad Atta was flying his jumbo jet low over the Manhattan skyline, that is what he would have been thinking about.  All he had to do was hit the tower in front of him and POOF!  Eternal Chubbs.  Easy breezy.

Apart from sounding rather inconvenient, not to mention extremely uncomfortable, an everlastingly turgid penis sounds to me like an unlikely reward for religious service.  What are the practicalities of this?  Inquiring minds want to know!

The Qu'ran itself doesn't say a whole hell of a lot about any virgins for suicide bombers.  What it does say is that all believers (men and women alike) will be resurrected in paradise, "and [with them will be their] spouses, raised high: for, behold, We shall have brought them into being in a life renewed, having resurrected them as virgins."
[Chapter (Surah) Al-Waqi'a (The Event)(56):34-36]

Sounds to me like the Qu'ran is saying that when you die your spouse(s) will be resurrected with you in the afterlife as virgins.  So the only way you're getting 72 is if you already have that many wives when you die.  Atta wasn't even married!  I guess if you believe the Qu'ran, he's going to have an eternity of whackin' off to contend with.

So, no throngs of hot virgins in the Qu'ran.  No, for those, we have to turn to The Hadith.  The Hadith are a whole  bunch of narrative writings, believed by various different Muslims to be of varying authenticity.  There are six major collections of Hadith, and observant followers of Islam pay a great deal of attention to them, as they instruct on how to emulate Muhammad.  Since emulating Muhammad is exactly what Muslims are commanded by God to do, the Hadith can come in handy for them.

The Hadith do, repeatedly and specifically, promise an eternal erection to righteous men.  For real.  I wasn't shitting about that earlier.

The Hadith also have loads of juicy details to dish about the heavenly spouses, which are called houri.  Apparently the houri are eternally young companions of equal age; beautiful, white, and hairless but for their eyebrows and heads.  They have wide and lovely eyes like pearls, with voluptuous, full, firm breasts, which are not inclined to hang.  They are modest and chaste, giving only restrained glances, although their vaginas are extremely appetizing. They do not menstruate, urinate, or defecate.  They do not bear children.  And in spite of their musky smell, they are splendid and pure, with hymens intact.  Also noteworthy is that they all happen to be 27.5 meters tall, 3.2 meters wide, and transparent except for their bone marrow.

So, taken together, what the Islamic scholars of the past 1,400 years are saying is that if you are a dude, and if you believe in Allah and emulate his prophet Muhammad, you are rewarded in Paradise with 72 horny, voluptuous, young, submissive, white female giants with firm, full breasts, brazillian wax jobs, and see-through bodies.  The good news is they're on birth control and don't PMS.  Bad news is they won't do watersports or scat :(

There are roughly 800 million Muslim males alive today.  That means Heaven is going to have to come up with 57.6 billion 90-foot tall, shy, white, hairless, slutty virgins on the pill.

That is just enough houri for the Muslim men alive today.  And Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world...

No wonder God doesn't have time to answer our prayers.