Virgins Available Here! (*death required*)

So, jihad has been rather popular in recent years.  I was thinking about jihad, and in particular I was thinking about something we hear about all the time in relation to it: Virgins.

Okay, so maybe I was actually thinking about the virgins first, and how to aquire some, which then led me to thinking about Islamic holy war.  Either way, that's our topic, okay?  Don't judge me.

This man may have a boner
for the rest of time.

We always hear about the 72 virgins Muslim martyrs are supposed to be rewarded with in the afterlife for dying in righteous struggle against the enemies of Islam.  Purportedly, when Muhammad Atta was flying his jumbo jet low over the Manhattan skyline, that is what he would have been thinking about.  All he had to do was hit the tower in front of him and POOF!  Eternal Chubbs.  Easy breezy.

Apart from sounding rather inconvenient, not to mention extremely uncomfortable, an everlastingly turgid penis sounds to me like an unlikely reward for religious service.  What are the practicalities of this?  Inquiring minds want to know!

The Qu'ran itself doesn't say a whole hell of a lot about any virgins for suicide bombers.  What it does say is that all believers (men and women alike) will be resurrected in paradise, "and [with them will be their] spouses, raised high: for, behold, We shall have brought them into being in a life renewed, having resurrected them as virgins."
[Chapter (Surah) Al-Waqi'a (The Event)(56):34-36]

Sounds to me like the Qu'ran is saying that when you die your spouse(s) will be resurrected with you in the afterlife as virgins.  So the only way you're getting 72 is if you already have that many wives when you die.  Atta wasn't even married!  I guess if you believe the Qu'ran, he's going to have an eternity of whackin' off to contend with.

So, no throngs of hot virgins in the Qu'ran.  No, for those, we have to turn to The Hadith.  The Hadith are a whole  bunch of narrative writings, believed by various different Muslims to be of varying authenticity.  There are six major collections of Hadith, and observant followers of Islam pay a great deal of attention to them, as they instruct on how to emulate Muhammad.  Since emulating Muhammad is exactly what Muslims are commanded by God to do, the Hadith can come in handy for them.

The Hadith do, repeatedly and specifically, promise an eternal erection to righteous men.  For real.  I wasn't shitting about that earlier.

The Hadith also have loads of juicy details to dish about the heavenly spouses, which are called houri.  Apparently the houri are eternally young companions of equal age; beautiful, white, and hairless but for their eyebrows and heads.  They have wide and lovely eyes like pearls, with voluptuous, full, firm breasts, which are not inclined to hang.  They are modest and chaste, giving only restrained glances, although their vaginas are extremely appetizing. They do not menstruate, urinate, or defecate.  They do not bear children.  And in spite of their musky smell, they are splendid and pure, with hymens intact.  Also noteworthy is that they all happen to be 27.5 meters tall, 3.2 meters wide, and transparent except for their bone marrow.

So, taken together, what the Islamic scholars of the past 1,400 years are saying is that if you are a dude, and if you believe in Allah and emulate his prophet Muhammad, you are rewarded in Paradise with 72 horny, voluptuous, young, submissive, white female giants with firm, full breasts, brazillian wax jobs, and see-through bodies.  The good news is they're on birth control and don't PMS.  Bad news is they won't do watersports or scat :(

There are roughly 800 million Muslim males alive today.  That means Heaven is going to have to come up with 57.6 billion 90-foot tall, shy, white, hairless, slutty virgins on the pill.

That is just enough houri for the Muslim men alive today.  And Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world...

No wonder God doesn't have time to answer our prayers.

The Sun: Friend or Foe?

Hello, dear readers.

It has been 1,022 days since my last entry.  This time it was not the Uruguayans who waylaid me, no.  Woefully, I fell into the Deep Sleep of the Thousand Days.  A lot of people think that sounds mysterious and powerful. Mystical, they say.  All I know is I sleep for almost three years.  It's just something that happens.  That's all.  I have to find ways to cope with it.  I am coping with it.  I.  Am.    Coping.

So about 3 weeks ago I woke up.  I ate for like a day.  Then back to bed for a couple days.  Sleeping is exhausting!  By about two weeks ago I was up and around.  I caught up on the news, caught up on developments in my extradition case, caught up on Archer and Game of Thrones.  Finally I was ready to go back out in the world, and see what this 2012 business is all about.

The first thing I noticed about 2012 was the Sun. It is BRIGHT.  Like a big ball of hot, bright, bright light and heat, bright and hot in the sky.  It's hard to describe it better than that.  I imagine most of you have seen it.  Just try to remember it for yourself; what what was it like when you saw it?

Bright, right?  And hot?

Yah.  That was my reaction too.

I was compelled to turn around and come back inside and ruminate on this "Sun" thing.  I hadn't really put much thought into it before, but something that bright and hot in the sky must be important.  It must mean something, right?  What is it for?

Turns out, the Sun is actually fairly important.  Yeah, it makes all that light and heat, which is cool, but it also makes all our weather, and it holds us with it's gravity, which is this kind of invisible pulling force which keeps us from flying off into space.  At first when I was thinking about this I wondered if flying off into space was all that bad a thing to have happen.  I mean, we're already in space, so how bad can space be?  But then I remembered Klingons and anal probes.  No flying off into space for me, thanks.  Don't even keep it in your mind as an option.  Thanks, Sun!

The Sun also charges your calculator, tells impoverished people when to get up and get to work, gives vitamins to your skin (without even needing pills), and even dries things out for you, like wet bathing suits, or bloody bathing suits.  Any kind of absorbent material saturated with any kind of liquid, I think.  Someone should probably test that.  Oh, well.  I'm sure science will figure it out eventually.

Anyway, the Sun can do even more awesome stuff than all that.  It can make the seasons, it invented religion and bikinis, and it even gives you a free tan, just for hangin' around with it!  And check this out: it makes everything that grows, grow.  Everything.  That one blew my mind a bit extra when i first read it.

I'm sure there's more, but even just that stuff makes the Sun seem pretty wicked, right?

Wrong.

You're wrong.  Just like I was...


The Sun has a dark side.  It likes to kill people.  Look:

Clearly the Sun hates you.  Even after we worshiped it for so long, and wrote so many happy songs about how bright and warm it is.  Even after all the love we have shown.  The Sun is a murderer.

So what is to be done?

Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be much we can do to strike back at the Sun, so far as I can tell.  We can avoid the Sun, shun it as an expression of our disapproval.  That would be one option.  We could bathe in it's comforting rays, but mockingly.  Simply taking what we need from the Sun without showing appreciation.  Making it feel valueless.  But these are, at best, token gestures.  We need a real solution to this problem.  A final solution to the Sun problem, as it were, for the good of us all.

I am establishing a fund, and a brain-trust.  Those of you who see the wisdom of us taking up a struggle to force checks and balances on the currently unlimited power of the evil sun we orbit, join me.  Those of you who want to support our cause but are fearful of leaving the shady shelter of your home can still help out!

Send donation information to capontransfix@gmail.com.

Thank you.

                                                                                    It's good to be back,

                                                                                                  Capon