Within days of pop music avatar Michael Jackson's suicide, his most devout and mentally unstable fans were already killing themselves.
Spike.com reported on June 30th, only five days after Jackson's death, that there had already been a dozen cases of fan suicide. Some were already suicidal beforehand. Some were offing themselves in a woefully misguided attempt to be "with him". Some were simply incapable of coping in a world without him, which seems particularly strange to me, as I doubt any of the people who have followed him to his grave had ever met the man. One was even a Michael Jackson impersonator.
Of course, suicide is terrible. It is a waste of the gift that is life, and we should do all we can to stamp it out. One extreme and therefore controversial idea about how to do this is advanced by the Darwinian Society for a Better Tomorrow. They posit that the way to end suicide is to allow it to burn itself out, so to speak. Let the suicidals all kill themselves until there is no one left who wants to die. This is called the self-cleaning oven model.
Now I don't know if that is such a great idea, but I do know that MJ was nothing if he was not a showman, right up to and including the end. So I think he would agree that if you must end your stay in this terrible, empty, Michael Jacksonless world, then you ought to do it with some zazz.
So here are five suggestions for ways in which mourning, inconsolable Jacko fans can make all the pain stop, and pay homage to their fallen hero at the same time. These are not the only acceptable ways, of course. Use your imagination, be creative, and have fun!
Disclaimer
In August of 1992, while Whitney and Bobby where cementing their charmed life together in the bonds of marriage, Michael Jackson was out stopping suicide, as reported in Jet magazine. What were you doing?
Maybe if you try it, his ghost will visit you and talk you out of it...
This one is good for all hopeless MJ fans, but is absolutely perfect for all the emotionally shattered impersonators out there.Get a white Smooth Criminal suit, a hat, some spats, and a noose. Spend some time reflecting on your life, and learn the relevant dance moves by studying the technique of this walrus.
Gather an audience and dance out the entire song, building to the grand finale. Remember, this is your chance to be one with Michael!
Finish with the Smooth Criminal anti-gravity lean. This is a very challenging move, but luckily you will have your handy noose to help you! Really lean into the noose, giving it all of your weight, and soon you will be on your way to Neverland.
Try filming the whole thing for posterity. For extra points, carry all of this out while performing live on American Idol!
Most of us know that there is no heaven, no paradise after death, no seventy-two virgins, nothing. The best we can hope for in death is some peace and quiet. For the closest available approximation of what we typically tend to think of as the the afterlife, we need to turn to the world of the undead.
Find a zombie or zombies. If none are available, try buying some zombie blood or saliva. Such products are rare, but can often be found for order on LARP supply websites. Insist on a certificate of authenticity; you don't want to waste what little time you have left ingesting the blood or saliva of the living now do you?
Steal Michael Jackson's corpse.Infect yourself, either by goading zombies into biting you, or by ingesting the fluids you have ordered on the internet. Wait several days for the infection to overrun your immune system.
While you wait, infect MJ's corpse by nibbling on him. Avoid the nose, cheeks, forehead, and chin, as they are made of advanced polymers and are difficult to bite through. You can either continue waiting for infection to take hold, or you can bash yourself in the head with whatever is handy until you die. However you go, you will be reanimated in death, and so will Michael.
To keep zombie MJ from wandering off, try to keep a steady supply of pre-pubescent zombie children close at hand. You will have months, or perhaps years, before you both freeze solid, dry out, or rot completely, depending on the local climate. Just you and Michael against the world, for years!
Those years will be amazing.
In January of 1984, while filming a Pepsi commercial in front of a live concert audience, a pyrotechnic explosion lit Jackson's hair on fire. You can end all of your suffering and re-create one of Michael's most famous moments at the same time!
Go to www.napalm.net and order some of this napalm.
If you have the know-how, try setting up your own "Goodbye, Michael" pyrotechnic show as an ignition source.
The rising heat from the ensuing flames will help lift your spirit up to Michael.
In November of 2002, Jacko introduced us all to his little pet child named Blanket by dangling him off of a hotel balcony. This is one of the more difficult tribute suicides to perform, but it is also one of the most elegant.
First off, invent time travel. An unknown party has recently bought up most of the world's flux capacitors, but there are other options available out there. For editorial reasons, in-depth instructions on building a time warping device are not included in this guide. Try Google.
In August of 1992, while Whitney and Bobby where cementing their charmed life together in the bonds of marriage, Michael Jackson was out stopping suicide, as reported in Jet magazine. What were you doing?Maybe if you try it, his ghost will visit you and talk you out of it...
#5 - The Smooth Criminal Lynching
This one is good for all hopeless MJ fans, but is absolutely perfect for all the emotionally shattered impersonators out there.Get a white Smooth Criminal suit, a hat, some spats, and a noose. Spend some time reflecting on your life, and learn the relevant dance moves by studying the technique of this walrus.Gather an audience and dance out the entire song, building to the grand finale. Remember, this is your chance to be one with Michael!
Finish with the Smooth Criminal anti-gravity lean. This is a very challenging move, but luckily you will have your handy noose to help you! Really lean into the noose, giving it all of your weight, and soon you will be on your way to Neverland.
Try filming the whole thing for posterity. For extra points, carry all of this out while performing live on American Idol!
#4 - Brain Food
Most of us know that there is no heaven, no paradise after death, no seventy-two virgins, nothing. The best we can hope for in death is some peace and quiet. For the closest available approximation of what we typically tend to think of as the the afterlife, we need to turn to the world of the undead.
Find a zombie or zombies. If none are available, try buying some zombie blood or saliva. Such products are rare, but can often be found for order on LARP supply websites. Insist on a certificate of authenticity; you don't want to waste what little time you have left ingesting the blood or saliva of the living now do you?
Steal Michael Jackson's corpse.Infect yourself, either by goading zombies into biting you, or by ingesting the fluids you have ordered on the internet. Wait several days for the infection to overrun your immune system.While you wait, infect MJ's corpse by nibbling on him. Avoid the nose, cheeks, forehead, and chin, as they are made of advanced polymers and are difficult to bite through. You can either continue waiting for infection to take hold, or you can bash yourself in the head with whatever is handy until you die. However you go, you will be reanimated in death, and so will Michael.
To keep zombie MJ from wandering off, try to keep a steady supply of pre-pubescent zombie children close at hand. You will have months, or perhaps years, before you both freeze solid, dry out, or rot completely, depending on the local climate. Just you and Michael against the world, for years!
Those years will be amazing.
#3 - Let's Go Out in a Blaze of Glory
In January of 1984, while filming a Pepsi commercial in front of a live concert audience, a pyrotechnic explosion lit Jackson's hair on fire. You can end all of your suffering and re-create one of Michael's most famous moments at the same time!
Go to www.napalm.net and order some of this napalm.
This almost goes without saying, but please set up a camera if you have one. It is important, if not for history, then at least for the Darwinian Society for a Better Tomorrow's research, for you to document this, or any other plan you decide to try.
Once you receive your napalm in the mail, spread it generously through your hair. Napalm is basically gelatinous gasoline, so remember to close your eyes and hold your breath or it will burn! Firecrackers or a roadside rescue flare ought to do the trick for ignition.If you have the know-how, try setting up your own "Goodbye, Michael" pyrotechnic show as an ignition source.
The rising heat from the ensuing flames will help lift your spirit up to Michael.
#2 - Physics is Your Friend
In November of 2002, Jacko introduced us all to his little pet child named Blanket by dangling him off of a hotel balcony. This is one of the more difficult tribute suicides to perform, but it is also one of the most elegant.
First off, invent time travel. An unknown party has recently bought up most of the world's flux capacitors, but there are other options available out there. For editorial reasons, in-depth instructions on building a time warping device are not included in this guide. Try Google.
Once your time travel device is ready, use it to go back in time to your early childhood. Kidnap your infant self.
You are now faced with several options. You can either dress up as Jackson yourself, or hire an impersonator (if you can find any alive). Which route you take here is simply a matter of personal taste. The important thing to remember is that whatever you should choose to do, someone is dropping that kid off a balcony.
Theoretically, once you die as a child you should also cease to exist as an adult, ending your torment rather quickly and painlessly (for the adult you at any rate). It is possible that for a moment before you pop out of existence you might experience some extremely vivid memories of dying as a child. As you can imagine you might find this to be somewhat unpleasant.Another potential consequence to consider here is the remote possibility of setting up a quantum causality paradox, in which your own death makes your current existence impossible, and your subsequent current lack of existence then negates the act of you kidnapping your young self, therefore setting the time-line back to its original order, allowing you to invent time travel and start the whole paradoxical nightmare over again. Should this occur, we recommend combining the balcony drop with anti-gravity lean strangulation. Follow the steps outlined in method #5 to asphyxiate yourself just as you drop baby you off of any high structure.
By killing both your child and adult selves simultaneously you will break the paradox, freeing humanity from a living hell, and both you and your child self will live amongst the stars with Michael forever.
Of course, if money is not an issue for you, then there is only one proper way to go out in MJ style. Imitation, they say, is the sincerest form of flattery.
Buy or rent an opulent home. Furnish it lavishly, preferably with gigantic quarter-million dollar urns. Buy a Ferris wheel and some go-karts for your back yard.
Hire an unscrupulous personal doctor. You are looking for one with access to black market surgical pharmaceuticals.
Take some time to spend whatever is left of your fortune. You might have so much fun on your slow spiral downward that you end up spending past your limit, living off of creditors for years and years, until finally it is time for you to do what you started out to do.
Offer a massive amount of money to your unethical doctor. Have him administer large doses of propofol, lorazepam and midazolam to you while you lay in bed surrounded by plush animals.
Go to sleep. Dream of your coming life with Michael in the never after.
When you see bright points of light in the distance, pick the second star to the right, and fly straight on till morning...
You are now faced with several options. You can either dress up as Jackson yourself, or hire an impersonator (if you can find any alive). Which route you take here is simply a matter of personal taste. The important thing to remember is that whatever you should choose to do, someone is dropping that kid off a balcony.
Theoretically, once you die as a child you should also cease to exist as an adult, ending your torment rather quickly and painlessly (for the adult you at any rate). It is possible that for a moment before you pop out of existence you might experience some extremely vivid memories of dying as a child. As you can imagine you might find this to be somewhat unpleasant.Another potential consequence to consider here is the remote possibility of setting up a quantum causality paradox, in which your own death makes your current existence impossible, and your subsequent current lack of existence then negates the act of you kidnapping your young self, therefore setting the time-line back to its original order, allowing you to invent time travel and start the whole paradoxical nightmare over again. Should this occur, we recommend combining the balcony drop with anti-gravity lean strangulation. Follow the steps outlined in method #5 to asphyxiate yourself just as you drop baby you off of any high structure.
By killing both your child and adult selves simultaneously you will break the paradox, freeing humanity from a living hell, and both you and your child self will live amongst the stars with Michael forever.
#1 - The Ultimate Tribute
Of course, if money is not an issue for you, then there is only one proper way to go out in MJ style. Imitation, they say, is the sincerest form of flattery. Buy or rent an opulent home. Furnish it lavishly, preferably with gigantic quarter-million dollar urns. Buy a Ferris wheel and some go-karts for your back yard.
Hire an unscrupulous personal doctor. You are looking for one with access to black market surgical pharmaceuticals.
Take some time to spend whatever is left of your fortune. You might have so much fun on your slow spiral downward that you end up spending past your limit, living off of creditors for years and years, until finally it is time for you to do what you started out to do.
Offer a massive amount of money to your unethical doctor. Have him administer large doses of propofol, lorazepam and midazolam to you while you lay in bed surrounded by plush animals.
Go to sleep. Dream of your coming life with Michael in the never after.
When you see bright points of light in the distance, pick the second star to the right, and fly straight on till morning...
Oh my! It's all so strangely logical...
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